Sunday, November 22, 2009

A better day

What WOULD I do without our friends?

I don't want to contemplate it ...

After the dark day yesterday, I awoke to sunshine, and happily got out of bed and into the shower because I knew I was going to spend the whole day with friends.

When I arrived at the bar, they were standing outside in the rain, watching out for me. Just like Cliff would have done.

We laughed a lot. Cliff was ever present in our minds and words. I love that. It makes me feel closer to him. I really felt as though he was there today, silently watching us and smiling, proud of his friends for looking out for me, and proud of me for being able to go out in our old hometown, where the memories are almost palpable.

I couldn't help myself today. I had to stand on the street corner and look at the view ... the view of the sea that we had from our old apartment. Then my eyes involuntarily focused on the entrance to the apartment. So many happy times there. Cliff, Hammer and I. We three. Now it's a different "we three". Instead of living with a man who would have died for me, along with a dog who would have done the same ... today I live with two midget dogs who probably would die for me, but couldn't, in reality, really protect me. I'd probably die protecting THEM.

People used to ask me. "What's it like living with two rottweilers? I want to live in YOUR head. It's nice there."

Yes it was. My two boys. I'd have died for them too, I still would.


  1. i'm glad you had a better day. i read when you're with your friends, hungry for details. i can imagine having friends like that. it sounds so lovely. people who look out for you as Cliff himself would. your memories of Cliff. your dogs. i am so glad your day was better. the dark days are so difficult.

    thinking of you.

  2. I am beyond lucky to have them. It gives me a little taste of him each time. Makes me feel stable for a while :-)

    I think also it sometimes accentuates the emptiness when I leave them. But I'd not have it any other way ...

    it occurred to me that you spent so many years simply preserving your children and yourself that you simply didn't have the time to cultivate friendships. I also know what it is to not want to invite people round into your home, when your home doesn't feel safe to yourself ... then along came your Dragon ... and hard as it is to feel alone, are you relieved that you had as much time with him, u n-shared with others ... I know I was incredibly selfish with Cliff and the time I had with him ... with no regrets. But I am lucky that the friends we had never resented that, you know? I know that too.

    I have to say that even if I am in a room with a hundred people, sometimes I still feel completely alone in the world ... without him next to me, or simply in the same room.

    It is a terrible feeling isn't it?

    I wish we lived closer ... it would be so good to be able to meet up a couple of times a week and just sit together <3

    I send you love and hugs

  3. I have been looking over at David's chair a lot today. I even caught myself once turning to say something to him. It always seems to really hit me when I am doing the stuff like laundry...he's gone.

    On a happier note--I am very glad to hear that you had a good time with your friends!

    (((HUGS))) <3

  4. awww thx Lynette. Is it because the nights are darker and holidays are coming ... that we expect them to be at home?