Today I feel sad. People surrounding me in the open plan office environment where I sit are unlikely to perceive it ... because it is a sadness that I have learned to incorporate into my life having lost my Mom some 15 years ago. But today is her birthday, and the "window" that normally runs silently and unseen in the background of my "operating environment" has now come through to the front. It is not silent to me today and it is highly visible (but only to me) ... I can see her clearly in my mind's eye. Anniversaries are always tough and I know they always shall be.
I'd like to write about her but I simply can't. I know I will start sobbing and the tears are already clouding my vision, but one day I shall because she is the most perfect mother you could have wished for.
So, carrying this sadness alone ... and wishing my sister was not in India today so I could sit with her (not to mention that the fact that I no longer have Cliff to soothe away the pain ... which in itself brings more loss ... loss that seems so enormous that it frightens me ... and all my fears become more real - turning into demons that I want to hide from). These beautiful and warm words of comfort on Roads' blog could not have been sent at a better time, because right here, right now is when I needed to hear them (http://thepriceoflove.net/ - this blog can also be accessed via my Blogs that I Follow List) .
His words were the balm, as well as the band-aid, that I so needed. (I have pasted the words below, for ease.)
I can't stress how much I'd recommend this blog to anyone affected by grief, cancer, whether they be a victim, bereaved spouse, or simply want to understand how they can help support a person whom they love or care about ... going through the fear and horror of loss (or someone sadly losing their own valiant battle against cancer, but especially anyone who has to face their greatest fear, that almost unspeakable reality ... that they will lose their love, their world, their soulmate to this cruel disease) ... it is one of THE best blogs I have ever read.
"Thank you, Boo. Of all the things I would want to save from the ravages of flood or fire, family photos are at the top. Increasingly, I feel that possessions are simply unimportant, since finally it is memories that make us who we are.
I love the way you write about Cliff. He really sounds to be quite a card. Looking at his photo, there’s a twinkle in his eye and a wry smile in defiance of life and time — and no doubt of death itself.
You must be enormously proud of him, and I’m so sorry for your loss. Years have passed for me, and despite the inadequacy and marvellously ironic inappropriateness of that endlessly heard cliche, it’s clear that does make it easier.
Much later as you go through this experience, and no matter how you cling to the past, or the past hangs on to you, eventually you find that life moves on in its own mysterious ways.
One day you find, quite unexpectedly, that in the midst of a new life there’s much less scope and merit, most of the time, in moping about the old.
But for you, this is still fresh and new, and I’m full of admiration for the way that you forge ahead whilst looking reflectively and lovingly behind you. That’s no small achievement, I know — even if finally, sadly, there’s just no other way.
Many thanks indeed for taking the time to write and share your thoughts and insights, and with all best wishes to you today from the early morning London train."
Thanks Roads - you summed up my beautiful husband very accurately ... it's amazing what you can learn of someone's character by looking at a photo, but your insight is startling! xx