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Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Summertime has officially ended in the UK.

This means that our clocks have gone forward by one hour … and although this means you get up an hour later, you also go home in the dark.

For some reason, the sky at night, the smell of winter in the air, the way the air feels, it all makes me more aware of the fact that he is gone.

I miss him more keenly.

It’s made it worse. How could it? But it has.

Bonfire Night is coming and I am dreading it. I heard a couple of fireworks go off last night and tried to ignore them.

Christmas is coming and Boo is getting thinner.

The air feels thinner too and sometimes it’s hard to breathe. It makes me feel panicky.

Conversely, I feel frustrated at being stuck in this corporeal body and ache to cast it aside so I can join him on his cosmic travels.


If you’ve ever watched Star Trek you will understand what I mean when I say that I think of god as being “Q” these days. http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Q

8 comments:

  1. "The air feels thinner too and sometimes it’s hard to breathe. It makes me feel panicky.

    Conversely, I feel frustrated at being stuck in this corporeal body and ache to cast it aside so I can join him on his cosmic travels."

    God, that is so true. As I lay in my apartment by myself last night, I could feel the coldness outside. I could feel the chill from beyond the walls. I had all the lights off and only a trailing of Christmas lights lit on the ceiling. The heavy warm blankets felt like Warren. The coziness felt like Warren. The hot tea tasted like Warren, the comforting lights glowed like Warren.

    It seems with each season we must relearn how to live through each one. Winter is a burning reminder of my love. It makes me just want to cuddle up next to him on a couch, drink tea and fall asleep while he rubs my back.

    My heart is burning today, Boo. And together we walk this path...11 months soon for us. Sigh.
    xxxxxx

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  2. Kim, yes it is ... there is something about it being winter and being part of a couple, except we aren't anymore (well not in a physical sense) ... I cannot believe it has been that long and the 12 month mark scares me somewhat. Love you xx

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  3. i like the "Q" reference. enormous life events to us mortals are but a whimsy to him, an experiment to watch the human emotion of grief. then off he goes to play with someone else. it was me next.

    i think of God similarly to the mathematician Paul Erdos. He is the "Supreme Fascist," the one with all the answers but He will not share until after you die.

    i want to be with my Dragon. then i think, well, what if that screws up the Supreme Fascist's great plan. so i wish it had been me who died so he could have more Fall, more Thanksgiving, Christmas, more everything. he was the one that lived every moment while i sat in awe of him and took his picture. he deserves it more than me. but i'm not such a loser that i don't deserve to be with him.

    such a crisis of faith. such a horrible play. i'd like to get up now and leave the theater.

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  4. I love what you have written ... such a crisis of faith. such a horrible play. i'd like to get up now and leave the theater.

    Amen to that - but we haven't got that option ... our husbands would not agree ... so we will soldier on. Maybe the lesson that we need to learn is to live life as they did, or at least to try. I for one know that I have no fear anymore.

    The supreme fascist - haha for sure. xxxxx

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  5. I think that winters are worse. This will be my third, although Celia died in the middle of the first. They get better, although now my youngest son is ill and I don't have the same optimism about illness that I used to have.

    But remember that it will get better and after Christmas the days will open out.

    One thing though we don't do is get enough sun in the winter. So I've bought a warm jacket, taxed the Lotus for the winter and when it's sunny, I'll drive with the top down.

    There is nothing like being in the son, with the wind in what little hair you've got!

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  6. The changing of the seasons still gets me. Sorry I haven't been around boo, not much time to write as things are hectic with me lately. But I try to check in and think of you often.
    take care
    xoxo

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  7. We have had nothing but rain for the last couple of days--the cold windy rain that always tells me that winter is just around the corner.

    It is the darkness that really gets to me. I go to work in the dark and come home in the twilight. And I know what you mean about the thin air--it is crispy and sharp and it almost burns as you breathe it in.

    *sigh* I'm not ready for winter yet...

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  8. AnonW - I have emailed you :-)

    CarrieBoo - yes the seasons changing does hurt, it is evidence that time is still marching on when we want everything to stand still.

    Lynette - I'm not ready for winter or the holidays ... dreading them all in fact :-( Hopefully it will fly by and then it will be February, and things will start to look up again xxx

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