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Thursday, October 8, 2009

Miscellaneous happenings and thoughts this week

The locket

Although I'm not quite ready to put the ashes in my locket (http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/07/not-sure-about-this.html), I did manage to put some hair and a rose petal from Cliff's wreath in one of the two compartments (the other compartment is empty and will eventually house a small amount of his ashes). It was fiddly and required a degree of patience, something I am not blessed with, but when the little screw flew out of my fingers and pinged off the coffee table, I really did lose it ... I was howling for him and also howling for a friend of mine because I knew that they would have been able to put the screw in with ease. After telling myself off, when I realized that I was crawling around the floor in a dimly-lit lounge, both dogs licking the tears off my face ... I stood up, poured a vodka and coke, turned the lights up, and hoorah! The little screw was still on the coffee table. Once it was in place and the locket placed around my neck, I could physically feel the weight being lifted from my shoulders, and I'm relieved that I can take him to Savannah with me.

I've had a strong couple of weeks at work, but I've had several tough moments to contend with at home:

Stargate Universe

Despite being painfully aware of how much he would have enjoyed this new series, I allowed myself to enjoy watching it alone. But it's so hard.

Samsonites

The last time we used these were for our Caribbean Cruise in 2004, so I had to dust my one off, and I cried when I saw the address label on it (and still haven't changed it but must). I packed last night and sorted through my "holiday clothes", many of which brought a smile to my face with the memories that they brought with them.

The Painted House

My friend Lizi bought me this book for my flights to and from Savannah from a charity shop. It made me gulp because that's something Cliff used to do for me, and it also touched me so much that she thought to do so. My fingers keep going towards it in my hand luggage, but I'll abstain till I am taxi-ing on the runway.

Chasing Cars

Driving home on Tuesday night, either Scott Mills or Zane Lowe played this one, and it was one of those moments, you know, when the loss becomes palpable, turns into a tsunami that engulfs you, and brings you to your knees ... making me literally howl and scream and sob in my car. In the end I had to switch station and get myself under control because I couldn't see to drive safely.

Chasing Cars

We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don’t need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don’t quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They’re not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

Let’s waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see
I don’t know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TiRa_DwalQc

These days it feels as though Cliff is within me and therefore the answers to the questions that I have, all the dilemmas that lay ahead, the will to carry on also lie within me. Sometimes I surprise myself with strength that I am sure I did not have before. It's as though he has left me some of his own, but not enough to make me foolhardy ... although last night I certainly didn't give a damn, yelling at the people who have betrayed me: "I am going to release the dogs of war onto your stupid little world and you are going to regret fucking with me. How DARE you think you can abuse my trust and take me for a xxxx? It has taken me 9 months of sheer hell to get to where I am today, and you think you can just knock me back 6 months with your behaviour? You will NOT. I have made a choice and I am not falling behind 6 months in confidence and progress because of a bunch of pikeys. "

Nose up in the air, march back through door.

And .... only two more sleeps till I get to Savannah - can't wait!

4 comments:

  1. oh, Boo. you've said so much here. my daughter came to help me put my Dragon's ashes in the urn i bought and in the locket. i was sobbing the whole time and then laughing a little but mostly sobbing that such a big man could be reduced to ashes. he was always so invincible to me. you were by yourself. brave woman. i'm not that brave. wish i was.

    the song, i don't have words yet. and Cliff is with you. you are so strong. pride. i can sense it coming from him for you. his wild woman is coming back strong, with his love and laughter, and confidence inside you where he left it.

    i wish i had a car. Savannah is so close, couple of hours. i'd drive to meet you and take you to dinner, but for now, i'll just wish you a safe trip, peaceful. Savannah is a lovely city filled with mystery and magic. take pictures.

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  2. thanks for your beautiful words. I promise next time I visit Savannah, I will come see you xxxx

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  3. The locket ashes are so fiddly (is that a word?) but I do love having him with me. But at the same time it is so strange that a strong, vibrant, bigger than life man can be reduced to ashes. I wish you a safe trip to Savannah! One day the three of us must arrange to get together. I can feel the magic in the air already.

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  4. :-) me too. Yes, it does seem VERY strange, I tend to think of him flitting round the universe rather than being reduced to ashes, however, his ashes are SO important to me. Totally irrational but I don't care!!

    It would be wonderful to all meet up ... if we can all get to the Widow's conference in San Diego next August that would be fantastic ... I am def. going. xx

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