You always have a choice.
Sometimes I forget that ... or simply don't have enough reserve of energy and strength to pursue that choice.
Yes, I miss him and it hurts. Sometimes the pain is unspeakable.
But how does he feel? Maybe he misses me and he hates watching me suffer like this. He always hated it when I cried.
I need to reflect on this and perhaps that will give me a boost of strength to push on ahead.
Another thing ... every time I put on my hairshirt ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cilice) and almost start chanting ... mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa ... perhaps I should contemplate if he harbours any grudge or resentment towards me over the issues I berate myself over. In all honesty, my initial reaction is he almost certainly doesn't. We were happy. Believe me, he was very vocal and would have pointed my shortfallings out to me, loud and clear. I know, beyond any doubt whatsoever that he loved me as he left, just as I loved him.
So WTF do I continuously have to battle the demon? Because it's part of the grief/loss cycle that we go through. Like death itself it has no rhyme or reason to it.
Irrational. Random. Bollocks.
Feeling stronger today if you haven't noticed ;-)