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Friday, September 11, 2009

Turning it around

You always have a choice.

Sometimes I forget that ... or simply don't have enough reserve of energy and strength to pursue that choice.

Yes, I miss him and it hurts. Sometimes the pain is unspeakable.

But how does he feel? Maybe he misses me and he hates watching me suffer like this. He always hated it when I cried.

I need to reflect on this and perhaps that will give me a boost of strength to push on ahead.

Another thing ... every time I put on my hairshirt ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cilice) and almost start chanting ... mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa ... perhaps I should contemplate if he harbours any grudge or resentment towards me over the issues I berate myself over. In all honesty, my initial reaction is he almost certainly doesn't. We were happy. Believe me, he was very vocal and would have pointed my shortfallings out to me, loud and clear. I know, beyond any doubt whatsoever that he loved me as he left, just as I loved him.

So WTF do I continuously have to battle the demon? Because it's part of the grief/loss cycle that we go through. Like death itself it has no rhyme or reason to it.

Irrational. Random. Bollocks.

Feeling stronger today if you haven't noticed ;-)

4 comments:

  1. Thanks for the kick in the butt. I needed it! I'm so happy for you that you're feeling stronger. Here's hoping the feeling lasts and you have a great weekend!

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  2. Debbie :-) sometimes I just have to tell myself off, and other times I know intuitively that I need to go to that deep dark place for a while. It's the art of refining the balance, to know when enough is enough isn't it?

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  3. Okay, step away from the hair shirt! And no more mea culpas either. No...I said stay away! Don't make me come over there and burn that thing! ;)

    I know it is extremely hard not to "blame" ourselves for not doing whatever we think we could have done. And I still struggle with that too and I probably always will. But I'm glad to hear that you are feeling stronger!

    I'm trying to do the same thing that you are--was David happy with me? Did I give him a good life? And I know the answer to both questions is yes so that makes me feel a little better. Still miss him and I always will.

    Take care this weekend!
    ((HUGS))

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  4. Ah, the guilt demon.
    I've not managed to shake him off yet. I have a post that I really need to make on my blog, but I'm just not strong enough to do it yet as I don't want to see the words in front of me.
    One day soon, perhaps.
    And when you find a successful way of fending him off, please let me know.

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