Over the past few days I have been worrying, almost obsessed, that Cliff may fade away ... to me. There are times that I can picture a part of him, perhaps his chin, his smile, his eyes, but I don't seem to be able to focus on his whole face. I can see his chest, his legs, but not the whole of him. I can remember every tiny thing, freckles, the way his hair lay on his neck.
But I can't find him.
And if I do briefly, it's like the image is out of focus.
I am scared I will forget.
How can I forget? He was ... he is my world.
It makes me feel bad.
It makes me feel unbearably sad.
It makes me feel like I don't care enough if I can't remember.
It terrifies me.
I keep running to different rooms, grabbing photos and looking through them to reassure myself that he actually existed.
J-in-Wales, on her blog http://bethrwan.blogspot.com/2009/09/ten-years-on.html, has been concerned that her husband R will be left behind and forgotten by the world. Same subject - different tangent ... and she gives me the reassurance that it will be alright, but still ... I worry.
I think I need to JUST CALM DOWN