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Monday, September 14, 2009

Scared that I'll forget

Over the past few days I have been worrying, almost obsessed, that Cliff may fade away ... to me. There are times that I can picture a part of him, perhaps his chin, his smile, his eyes, but I don't seem to be able to focus on his whole face. I can see his chest, his legs, but not the whole of him. I can remember every tiny thing, freckles, the way his hair lay on his neck.

But I can't find him.

And if I do briefly, it's like the image is out of focus.

I am scared I will forget.

How can I forget? He was ... he is my world.

It makes me feel bad.

It makes me feel unbearably sad.

It makes me feel like I don't care enough if I can't remember.

It terrifies me.

I keep running to different rooms, grabbing photos and looking through them to reassure myself that he actually existed.

J-in-Wales, on her blog http://bethrwan.blogspot.com/2009/09/ten-years-on.html, has been concerned that her husband R will be left behind and forgotten by the world. Same subject - different tangent ... and she gives me the reassurance that it will be alright, but still ... I worry.

I think I need to JUST CALM DOWN

15 comments:

  1. Boo, i've often felt like this, worried that I can't remember the sound of his voice and his face. But as worriesome as it seems, he was such a big part of you, you will NEVER forget. Try not to think too hard about it, keep those pictures close for a comforting reminder...but don't feel bad, you won't forget.
    Big Hugs.

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  2. We were leaving each other messages on each others blogs at the same time :-)

    Thanks CarrieBoo, I still feel like a rookie here, so good to have the fears assuaged xxxx

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  3. :-)
    Well...honestly I still worry, but I know deep down I will never forget. I know easier said than done..but try not to beat yourself up over it.
    take care
    xo

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  4. I think I need to just relax about it and it will come to me x

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  5. so hard to know what to say. i feel the same way and yet if it sit quietly in my silent apartment, eyes closed, not even looking at my little shrines to him, i can see him so much more clearly. i can remember his different tones of voice for his different moods. i can smell him, his neck. i loved sitting beside him and smelling his neck. he always laugh at my fascination with the way he smell like salt air and pine needles.

    if i sit that quietly, no music, no sound, i can remember the feel of his heart beating under my hand as we lay to go to sleep each night. i can visualize his walk, the strides that ate up the ground as he would come walking over to me. i can feel the weight of his arms around me, holding me, and his fingers on my scalp as he finger combed my hair. he loved doing that.

    so i sit silently with my eyes closed whenever i feel completely overwhelmed or distraught. i don't think it helps advance my healing but it certainly keeps me from the edge of the abyss, a darkness i would not come back from.

    breathe Boo. just close your eyes and breathe. he's there. he's as close as your own heart.

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  6. As you say, this has been on my mind too lately. I think it is a matter of focus - I can see all the individual details perfectly, but it is harder to put them together to make a whole person.
    I suspect it would have been exactly the same while he was alive - if you had tried to picture him exactly when he was out of the room, you would have found it just as difficult.

    It once took me a couple of hours to realise that R had shaved off his Christmas beard, purely because I wasn't really focussing on his face. How sad is that!!!

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  7. I'm crying Susan, but I think it's because you've just helped me ... I managed to do some of that at my desk right now. THANK YOU. You have a calming effect on me, don't go anywhere! xxx

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  8. J - you're probably very right, except that I guess it wasn't so important to us then to remember everything perfectly then ... and it is now, but I really need to stay calm about it, don't I ... because then it comes easier. Breath, breath, be still and it will pass. It is becoming my mantra :-)

    LOL about the beard. I've done that one too. And again, at the time it's not so important :-)

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  9. Hello. I have amnesia and can't remember the last 6yrs of my life, I was fine before this started and I woke up one day paralysed and very sick, realizing I didn't only lose my mobility and health but also my memory was very hard but when I heard I had fallen in love with a man so wonderful back in December 2007 and couldn't remember a thing about him it was hard to take. I'll never really know what we had or what we could've had. My point is I understand what you mean, do not worry about it too much because the more you worry you'll end up focusing on this one thing forgetting the rest.. I wish you all the best, may you dream of him every night so his full picture stays in your mind.

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  10. Slindy, thank you so much for this. I know that I do need to relax about it and it will be fine. But over the past few days I have been obsessing over it. Happily today I'm not. Who knows what I'll be feeling tomorrow!

    I can't imagine your situation at all. It must be very frightening for you, but I do look forward to reading your blog and watching you overcome the obstacles in your path, because you certainly sound like someone who will not let anything beat them!

    thanks again

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  11. Boo, after reading your post on my blog, I sat and read your blog from beginning to end last night. What can I say?? I could not respond last night because I could not see through my tears. Our journeys have been so similar, down to hair falling out, eating cold baked beans out of a tin and a bunch of other things that I read along the way.

    And now I have to say, I too am worried about forgetting him, forgetting the things that he said or did, forgetting things that we did. I try so hard to remember and the harder I try the less I remember, so yes, maybe we need to forget a little so that we can remember.

    Thinking of you and hoping that you have found some peaceful moments today,

    Wendy

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  12. Being a year and five months out from David's death, I went through this too. I was almost panicked that I was going to completely forget who he was, what he looked like, how he smelled. I still do sometimes.

    What I did early on was get a good bound journal and I started writing down all the memories I could think of. I included a few pictures along with way too. I took that with me everywhere I went, to bed, to work, on trips. I never knew when something was going to pop into my head.

    Someday, I may put more of those memories on line but for now, they are mine. And when I feel myself starting to "forget", I get that journal out and I read. It helps.

    Maybe give that a try!

    ((HUGS)) fellow widows!

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  13. Lynette, thank you. I shall try that. Sometimes I share a memory on here already ... but I feel like being a bit selfish with them too :-) I like the idea of taking the journal everywhere so that you can record or retrieve as necessary :-) I will treat myself to a nice leather bound book or something like that xxxx

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  14. Wendy, it stuns me too when I read someone's blog and find out that they have done or thought exactly the same thing. I do get comfort from that ... then feel sad that I am getting comfort from someone else's pain. I do know that being in touch with everyone here and on the Discussion Board that I use helps me enormously. It helps me sanity-check, it helps me to help someone else a lot, it helps me make sense of the feelings and behaviour that I display!!! I was never analytical before this happened, but I am today ... and I am now approaching it (the fear of forgetting) differently. So, even though I can't remember everything right this second, I will be surprised by random happy memories, time and time again, moving forwards. We all will. Keep in touch Wendy, I know your first year anniversary is approaching ... you might like to read "What Now" blog by J-in-Wales as she has shared a wonderful post about her thoughts upon reaching her own 1st Anniversary. xxx

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