Thursday, September 10, 2009

Feeling wobbly

This morning I opened my passenger door to throw my bag on the front seat and almost screamed the street down. The most enormous spider had taken residence in my car. My reaction was to march next door and ask Paul to remove it but in my panic I almost bowled over a stranger en route. “Excuse me … can you do me a favour and remove the spider in my car please,” I pleaded. The stranger happily obliged and then started jumping up and down because the damn thing wriggled up his shirt sleeve. Sweet Jesus. What a hero. I then proceeded to howl and howl and howl for the entire journey to work.

I still can’t quite totally accept, even though I thought I had previously, that my world has gone. I still almost expect him to come walking back through the door. It’s too painful to totally accept and I’m not strong enough. I feel like being reckless. I feel like booking myself on flights, never ending, till one of them drops out of the sky like a stone. I can’t do it myself, but I want it to happen to me. I just want to be with him.

Yesterday I went through loads of photos and pulled out many of Cliff, so that I can scan them and upload them somewhere, perhaps on here. I prefer to be at home even though I know it makes me worse, because I feel closer to him. I speak to him all the time. I am at work yet struggling to keep my shit together, really struggling so much that it makes me panic, breathless even. I yet again wonder if my sanity is leaving me. Sometimes I feel him near me, I swear I do … but never when I am angry. So I try very hard not to be. However hard I try I cannot stop the "Mea Culpa" syndrome returning to visit me recently. I excel at this, really excel. I just want that time with him back and I want to be a better wife this time round.

Yet again I am shocked at how physical grieving is. I miss him so much it is a physical pain. I ache everywhere. My bones hurt. My eyes hurt. My heart hurts. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be here. This is cruel.

And another thing, I hate the way it sounds like I’m whining, I hate the fact that there are a million “I”’s in this post, because all I think about is him, but when I write about it, it comes out as me, me, me … although that’s not what I feel.


  1. Whine away sweetie! I did the same thing and it really does feel better to get it out. And it IS about you--it is about how YOU are feeling and that is 100% okay!

    Like you, I wanted to get on a cruise ship and just stay there, not come back to the house until I had no more clean clothes to wear. I just wanted to run away where I didn't have to think about mortgage payments, the cable bill, fixing the back door. That was HIS job and I didn't want to do it. I still don't but there is no one else to do it.

    My contractor found two dead bats in my upstairs while putting in the new windows. Now I am really freaking out that there are more that have taken up residence. No clue how they got in either. Why isn't David here to make me feel safe and to handle all the worry that is coming with this.?!?!?!

    Before the whole bat thing, I was actually starting to feel less wobbly and more confident in myself. Now not so much anymore. I guess maybe it is like the grief tidal wave--it comes and goes.

    I am glad that you found someone to get the spider out. I don't like them either and would probably have squashed it... :)


  2. thanks Lynette, it is good to sanity check with you and know that I am not actually going mad because right now it sure feels like it HUGS my friend, xxxx

  3. Wobble away and we'll be here to steady you as much as we can from across the sea :) The light in my bedroom ceiling fixture burned out this morning and my first thought was "honey, the light burnt out", quickly followed by "shit, how do I change that myself?", quickly followed by tears and sorrow that I had to figure it out and knowing that he'd want to fix it for me. I guess I'm feeling wobbly too. It sucks!

  4. I feel like being reckless. I feel like booking myself on flights, never ending, till one of them drops out of the sky like a stone. I can’t do it myself, but I want it to happen to me. I just want to be with him."

    Oh how that describes it to the t!!! I was talking to one of Warren's Sgt's last night, and he asked if I was afraid of heights and I just couldn't stop laughing, because nothing scares me anymore. The more danger the activity involves the better! One of my best friends, (a military widow) recently went skydiving and she said it was awesome! Besides the dissapointing moment when she safely moment.

    You are, however, much luckier than I, Boo, as you said in your e-mail ;) I wish I were as old as I feel; my deathbed wouldn't be as far as it seems now.

    And I know, God I know about the whining thing. All I want to do is make him proud, do this "grief" thing right and only once. But... our hearts are shattered.. our cores in agony. I'm sure they are proud nonetheless that we are still here.

    Lots of love xxxx

  5. I've been struggling with what to say after reading through your post a few times...I remember all of these feelings. But netekay is right, it is about you and how you are going to get through this pain. I found it funny that you asked a stranger to get the spider out for you, is that something you would normally do? Grief made me do many things I would otherwise not do...its crazy that some things that once mattered don't matter as they would before the grief came, like giving people a piece of your mind!

    I remember scanning tonnes of photos as well, and I believe I was at the 8/9 month mark too. One wobbly step at a time. Keep on whining, blogs are great for getting that off your chest!

    thinking of you

  6. ((((Boo))) I am fresh out of words but just wanted to agree with what has been said above ... whine away ... at this stage it IS about you.

  7. Debbie - I hope the light is on in your bedroom again :-) ... doesn't it make you feel like a child, this whole thing ... but esp. when you are faced with a "man" thing.

    Kim - LOL I have been thinking about doing a sky-dive, just for the hell of it... and to raise money for widows in bad situations (Africa, India etc). You're right, the only thing that scares me now is that I have NO fear.

    CarrieBoo - I hope you are doing good now ... thank you as always for your caring and thoughtfulness ... and yes, if Cliff were still alive but not to hand, I would ask ANYONE to remove a spider! But usually I would have walked a little further and asked the neighbour, whereas right now, it was a case of ... "oh good, there's a man, he will do it"!!! LOL

    Beanz - thank you my friend - I am thinking of you.

    Thanks all - you have given me the strength to choose my attitude for the next couple of days xxx

  8. As Lynette says, Whine away.
    It's crap. Total crap. And always will be.
    I find that sometimes I want to wallow totally in the misery of the situation because it is so unfair. But then my inner Pollyanna rears her little saccharin head, and I find I can take pleasure in things again. Mostly I find myself giving in to her cheery little voice, but sometimes I want to take her out and give her a sound thrashing for being so bloody positive all the time!

  9. Welcome home J :-) Missed you, will give you a buzz next week x