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Sunday, September 6, 2009

8 months


How can the feelings still be so acute, so raw.

Eight months doesn't feel any different from Day One - all that's changed is my ability to breath naturally instead of having to focus on not holding my breath.

The pain has not diminished at all.

I am sure that I will miss him with all my being until I draw my last breath.

Loving him comes more naturally to me than breathing.

I love him more than I love life.

And I don't want to stop feeling that love.

All that changes is my ability to function as a human being, to do chores around the house, to go to work, to make plans.
The pain remains the same.

8 comments:

  1. Yes, it does. And I'm sure you're right, that you will continue to love him with all your being forever. And how is it that the sun comes up every morning? It still amazes me that the world goes on as before.

    Take care of yourself today, and every day.
    Debbie

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  2. I know Debbie. It feels wrong doesn't it ... offensive even, then on other days the pain is still there but you find the beauty in the world instead of resenting it, or only seeing ugliness. Grief is too weird and hard work :-( Sending you love x

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  3. It will be a year for me in 17 days...hard to believe. But I so get what you mean. All that has really changed for me since day one, is that I can "function" better, but I am not "living". I have yet to find the return of beauty in life, the meaning of my life, and the purpose of it. It's like my life has been, and continues to be in limbo....who am I , what is my purpose, and where do I go from here? It is a very uncomfortable, sad sensation.

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  4. Diana, it is so hard to think of a future without them I think, which is why we live one day at a time, and feel like we stand still in a limbo state. I too feel like I have lost my identity sometimes, but still feel very much his wife too ... it's hard to motivate yourself isn't it. HUGS

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  5. It's so painful when, as you said, you love someone more than you love life...and then that person isn't there to recieve your love. It's as if it turns into pain. It unfortunatly seems like it will never go away, it will come and go, and it may always hang on to you, but it will diminish. It is hard work.

    take care, and hope you are doing well these days. Hugs

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  6. thanks my friend, and I hope that you are doing good xx

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  7. You will never stop feeling that love. You don't stop loving someone just because you can't see them.
    I suspect that the pain never goes either. You just get better and better at handling it, and your brain is more able to allow in other distractions. It is never that far away though.

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  8. J - I reckon you are right ... it's no wonder it takes years to adjust to this state of being!

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