Saturday, August 15, 2009

Real friends

I am missing Cliff more now. I feel his absence even more acutely.

Someone has betrayed me - and this has caused my boat to be rocked even more onto an uneven keel.

There will be trouble ahead.

You can't help bad luck ... they've mistakenly assumed I would tolerate it.

I will not ... specifically because they show no true remorse.

Yesterday I was inconsolable.

Today I am cold and indifferent.

I have thrown them away like a pair of old shoes, and

feel strangely relieved.

They weren't good friends to start with. I just thought they were.

But it was always imbalanced.

We gave ... they took.

We are poles apart.

Worlds divide us.

And there's no going back now.

On the other hand, two real friends rang me today and asked if they could come up and see me for the afternoon/evening, and arrived within the hour.

Did my old friend sense there was something wrong?


They brought a calming effect on my psyche and I love them for it.

And tomorrow, two of Cliff's friends are coming up to spend the morning with me.

I should imagine someone else's boat will capsize,

and it won't be mine.


If it doesn't come round fast enough, I know enough people who will give it a helping hand.


  1. I am glad that you had friends close by who could come and see you. It is always nice to see them when you are feeling down.

    So sorry that someone hurt you. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest their arm pits and may their arms be too short to scratch!!! ;)

    Sending good thoughts to you too!!!!!


  2. Yeah, what netekay said - but I don't remember that expression involving armits, but a different part of the anatomy... he he ;)

    Surround yourself with people who strengthen you and lift you up. (((BIG HUGS)))

  3. Cliff's friends spending the morning with me gave me back a feeling of security and safety (as much as possible) ... like having a little taste of him :-)

    Weirdly, I hit rock bottom on feeling so vulnerable, unsafe etc and I have been SURROUNDED by love and people all weekend ... so I have a reservoir of strength to get me through the coming week :-)

  4. Oh my friend, you are coming out of the fog. It's the part of grief that no one warns you about, those moments when the reality of what loss really means start to sink in. The acute, stomach-lurching pain that happens when you realise that other people have started to get on with their own lives, leaving you behind.
    But it is another step on the journey, and one you have to make. For me it was probably the hardest one, but like all the others it has passed. And although it makes you feel the reality more sharply, it also allows you to see the future as well.
    J xxx

  5. It is hard J. But I reckon I can think clearer without the fog ... and get stuff done (on the house). Some good friends have sat down with me to agree an action plan, and another thing I have realized is that I need them emotionally as well as practically. Having had them around me I've realized how much a part of Cliff that they were (their morals, ethics and standards) and that I was coping, but it's so much easier if I see them regularly. Thank you for your honesty - it is THE single best gift you can give to a widow isn't it?