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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

All roads lead to him

It doesn't seem to matter what I'm doing, thinking, saying ...

all roads lead to him.

Watching "The Wire" last night, I couldn't quite grasp what was going on and found myself saying out loud, "I wish you were here baba, you'd know and you'd explain it to me."

Listening to new music, I still manage to apply it to him.

Earlier, I looked at a picture that was taken of me at work about a year ago ... and my first thought was, "that was my face before Cliff died".

The very instant I awoke this morning, I said out loud, "I miss you baba ... I can't wait to see you again."

Yesterday I had a meeting with my line manager and she asked how I was getting along. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I still absolutely do not want to be here, but I'm not going to commit suicide, so I've got no option other than to carry on learning to live whilst feeling like this." I feel as though I can be blantantly truthful with her because she was widowed herself some time ago.

I receive an email from The Times asking me if I would like a financial makeover, and in a heartbeat, I respond silently in my own mind saying, "No, I'd like my husband back please".

I find myself wondering if he flits around following me, or if he stays at home even when I am not there, whether he visits the place where we got married, or if he has gone so far away now that he hardly thinks of me now.

Because I think of him all the time.

3 comments:

  1. It may sound silly but I think of David zipping around the universe looking at all the wonders out there. Being a physicist, I know he would want to see it all.

    There are so many times that I wish that I could find a TRUE psychic (if one does exist) to tell me what he is doing and that he's okay. I'm a such a skeptic though that if he stood in front of me at this point and said "here I am" I don't know that I would believe it! :)

    And, like you, I just want him back and I think about him all the time.

    ((HUGS)) Lynette

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  2. Ditto. I've been thinking and wondering about the same things. And it makes me so sad...

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  3. L - one of my friends tried to take me to a psychic and I wouldn't go because I don't have any unresolved issues with him, mainly. Secondly like you I don't trust them!

    D - it makes me sad too, and also a little panicky.

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