Friday, July 31, 2009

Home again

It was a good meeting, except for the fact that I couldn't sleep, and finally fell asleep at 05h00, causing me to oversleep ... I woke up at 09h05 ... argh! Very embarrassing.

Also managed to have a go at the miniature golf game that my boss brought along for the charity fund-raiser. Only one go ... but a huge thing for me! Cliff's pot is getting very full and heavy, so we should have raised a fair bit by year end.

Driving home was awful. The heavy rain was matched by the big fat tears running down my face in the car ... caused by the fact that I wasn't going home to him. My heart felt heavy and full of grief, sadness, pain and longing. Grief really is a physical thing.

When I got home, my dog-sitter was still there which made it easier to walk through the front door ... I never realized how much I'd miss having another human being to welcome me home, let alone the love of my life. He'd also done some work in the house which was a nice surprise and I'm accompanying him to a wedding reception on Saturday, which is something to look forward to.

I just feel exhausted and defeated right now. Hopefully next week will be better.


  1. Coming home to an empty house is a horrible feeling. Last summer I took a cruise just to get away and on the plane back, I realized that I would be going home to no one...not even Cody as he was boarded. It just made my heart sink.

    Glad to hear about the fund raising! That is great!

    I hope you have a quiet and peace-filled weekend!!! xoxox Lynette

  2. Boo,

    I felt the same stong grief feelings when I returned home a week ago from our trip to the coast for Austin's "send off". It is a very physical thing. Wrenching. Glad your dog-sitter was able to help relieve some of that for you. What a great idea, a dog-sitter! That would make travelling so much easier!

    Glad you got in a little mini-golf! One more step in the direction of healing.

    Let me know what you find out about the conference. It sounds like an excellent idea! Have a good day!


  3. am just about to add a "blog I follow" onto my blog (bear with me as it's a bit techy for me!) and had the most amazing note from their President. Am definitely going to go!

    Lynette, would you be interested? J-in-Wales? Anyone else?

  4. I will add the blog later, but here is the link for now:

    and here is the note I received from the Conference Organizer:

    Hi Boo,

    We would love to have you join us next year! This event was more amazing than I ever imagined...because being in a room full of people who get it is so powerful. I am sorry that you are on this journey. Though it is a road none of us would chose to walk, there are some wonderful people along the way. The other widowed people I have met continually inspire me. I am not sure if you have taken a look at our website, but you will find a variety of resources on the website that may be helpful. We also host a blog that is written by six different widows. We talk about the ins and outs of daily life as a widow from a variety perspectives. You can find the blog at I will add you to the mailing list so that you will know about our date for next year, and if I can be of any help at all please don't hesitate to contact me.

    Yours in hope,


  5. Welcome home. I'm glad you didn't have to walk into an empty house - that is such an awful feeling. I went to the RHS Show at Tatton last week and had an absolutely lovely day. And then promptly dissolved into tears the second I walked through the door.

    Thanks for the info about the conference. It's funny. The person I was a year ago would have to be bound and gagged and probably sedated to get me to go to something like that. Now? It doesn't seem at all bad an idea to the person I've become.

  6. J - yes, it is weird how we are altered by our loss. I don't know if it's due to the actual loss or if we internalize some of their qualities, which makes us change. Very deep thought for this time of night, think I'd better get a camomile tea and try and sleep!