I truly felt as though I had returned to work properly, for the first time since I lost Cliff, today. I think I've already mentioned that my company has been unbelievably supportive throughout this year, and yesterday I had a chat to my boss and suggested that I need more projects to focus on and "get my teeth into" ... well today, it felt like one of those workdays before he went.
It's good, it feels good, and I finally feel like I'm earning my salary again. There were times when I could feel the pressure, just that little bit, as well as the impatience that is hard-wired into my work personality! Equally I do know that I have to take care not to push myself too hard or I'll go backwards and FAST ... this has happened before.
I'm actually starting to care about other things again. For the past six months, his passing has over-written everything else in my world really, and understandably so. It has made me oblivious to anything else, and at times caused me to be rude ... openly laughing at others' minor complaints ... when my tolerance was at zero.
Tonight am feeling absolutely exhausted ... but that's good too. Hopefully this means that I'll sleep solidly. It also feels good to be able to fall through my front door and have a good bawl before settling down to blog, read, chat on the phone or veg out in front of the TV.
Reading is my favourite chillout hobby these days because I find that when you read, you can't physically (or mentally) do anything else (unlike TV, surfing the web etc ... where you can easily become distracted or spend your entire evening in a deep dark pit). My current choice is "The Book Thief" which is excellent and I just had to include below an excerpt from the last book I read ("Burnt Shadows" - also marvellous):
... a time
every shadow, everything the earth was losing,
a time to think of everything the earth
and I had lost, of all
that I would lose,
of all that I was losing
- Agha Shahid Ali
beautiful isn't it?
Yep, another strong day - wonder when I'll come crashing down, because I know it's coming.