Thursday, July 2, 2009

and I thought I'd hit rock-bottom ...

It's almost been six months now ... I'm only 48 hours away from the dreaded landmark. And certain things have become clear to me FINALLY.

I have spent the greater part of the past six months, sitting on his couch, waiting for him to come home. Rationally, I knew this was an impossibility. Emotionally, I have only now truly accepted the full ramifications of what happened on January 6th.

Everything in the house was left as it was on that fateful day ... and today I finally started to accept that I have to move his projects forward because he is not here to action anything himself.

The first step was asking Paul to saw some branches off the tree in the driveway, as opposed to coping with their interference with various Sky channels.

I also found the manual to our Neff ovens and reset the main oven, so that it worked properly, as opposed to coping with the smaller oven.

The other major realization was that anti-depressants are NOT the way forward for me personally. Their possible albeit rare side-effects are too dangerous to dabble with in my current state of mind ... and although I believe they are wonderful in certain situations, I am not ill, I am grieving, and must grieve. There is no other way forward from this pit.

Onwards and upwards. I will fight from now on and make him proud of me. But I had to reach "reality" on every level, before I could start the battle.


  1. Good to have you back!
    It may not feel like a good thing right now, but that moment of clarity is such a huge milestone in the journey. Having finally grasped the enormity of what has happened, your mind is starting to devise strategies for coping with it. In some ways it makes it harder for a while because you lose the numbness, but you need that clear head to work your way up towards the light.

    I had to smile about the tree branches. My TV aerial is currently pointing towards the ground, which isn't ideal for getting a good signal. My coping strategy: simply not to watch TV in the fond hope that it might spontaneously get better if I leave it alone!
    It hasn't worked.
    You have inspired me to get out the Yellow Pages and do something about it.

  2. yep, it had to be done ... and guess what J????? Cliff's friend and I have just finished doing the van. It looks spic and span ... just need to sell it now xxx

  3. Hey, well done! You really are fired up.
    I don't think I've achieved anything useful today apart from shopping, and now I can't be bothered to cook anything. Hey ho, at least there is now some beer in the fridge!

  4. cheers J ;-)

    did you find a TV aerial person in the yellow pages?