Sunday, June 21, 2009

Transcending Grief

This is a great article:

It is written by Marty Tousley (who is the counsellor on the Discussion Forum that I joined). I feel good right now because I recognize that I can do some of this stuff (not much of it, but you've got to start somewhere).

This is what I CAN do:

  • Drive somewhere by yourself without crying the entire time
  • Concentrate on a book, movie or television program (well it's how I measure the quality of a TV program, book or movie. Recent good examples of are: P.S. I love you, St Trinians, CSI, The Take, The Bookseller of Kabul, Three Cups of Tea)
  • Not think of your loved one for a period of time, however brief (did this ONCE for a half hour fast-moving telecon at work)
  • Return to a daily routine (yes, but it's not exactly a jam-packed full one)
  • Accept invitations from friends and family
  • Reach out to another in a similar situation
  • Realize that the sometimes thoughtless comments of others stem from ignorance, not malice
  • Find something to be thankful for
  • Be patient with yourself through grief attacks (sometimes)
  • Catch yourself smiling and laughing again (fairly rare, but yes)
  • Stop and notice life’s little pleasures, the splendor of creation and the beauty in nature (yes, but I get sad because he is not here to share it with me)
  • Feel freer to choose when and how to grieve
  • Talk about your loss more easily
  • Look back and see your own progress
  • Discover abilities in yourself you haven’t developed before or didn’t even know you had
  • Share the lessons you have learned through loss with others


  1. That's a pretty good list - if you look back to the first few weeks, I bet you couldn't imagine ever managing any of them.
    I think one of the things that really held me back at about 5/6 months was the fact that I could see I was getting better at coping, but I somehow felt guilty about it as though being able to handle life meant that I didn't love him enough. It took me quite a while to work out that this was nonsense, but I'm still not entirely sure that I believe it 100%.

  2. thanks J - yes I thought so too :-) It really gave me a boost doing that actually. I know exactly what you mean about feeling guilty, except with me I feel guilty that the lawn he slogged over last year has grown so tall and is covered in weeds. I think we have to think about it this way ... we cope because we do love them. I think I am still living for Cliff, as weird as that sounds. xx

  3. "P.S. I love you" was an emotional movie wasn't it?

    For me guilt was and is one of the hardest things to get through. But this is great Boo, and it is an impressive list. Take care xo

  4. OMG, yes. Marty Tousley sent me an article which said that watching certain movies was a good thing to do. It has to be intentionally done when you need to have a BIG crying session. That movie did the trick without a doubt!!!! Did you look at the article to see your own progress?