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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Old songs take on a different meaning ... and Father's Day

Today it hit me. That some of the songs that Cliff used to play to me, FOR me are appropriate still, but in a different way. The words have taken on a different meaning for me now, rather than simply being memories.

Some songs really speak to me right now. Joe Cocker was a great favourite of Cliff's and I'm smiling now as I remember going to see him live in Rotterdam with Cliff, Vern, Es and Len.

Standing Knee Deep in a River
Have a Little Faith
I Will Live for You
The Great Divide (I played this at Cliff's funeral)

I wish I could listen to them but I just can't. NOT YET.

Now it's making me cry that I can't listen to them, and now my deaf dog is making me laugh because he is sitting very still, looking at his reflection in a mirror.

How on earth can you smile, then cry and laugh at the same time? Yet I do.

At least I'm not just crying.

And I am wondering how Cliff's daughter is feeling today. Even though we have both hurt each other with horrible words. I think perhaps we are both hurting too much to be able to cope with each other. I can only deal with my own pain right now and I simply cannot tolerate being attacked by anyone no matter how they are feeling. I know that "two wrongs don't make a right" and that I emulated the same behaviour by biting back, and it's too late now. But it's a simple case of self-preservation ... I feel like a wounded animal who has hidden to suffer quietly and attempt to recuperate. But today is her first Father's Day without Cliff. I remembered last night that I have a camcording somewhere of her with Cliff when she was around 12 or 13. When I come across it, I'll have it copied onto DVD - if that's possible - and send it to her, whether she hates me or not. I think he'd like her to have it. Maybe she'll be able to see the love in his eyes when he looks at her on the recording.

And another thing, I wish I had been strong enough to go down to the coast today to see Cliff's Dad. There again, perhaps seeing me would have been too painful for him on this first Father's Day without Cliff.
I am doing better than I was last Sunday. I may be stuck here living life through the internet today, but I AM going to mop the kitchen floor shortly, do some washing and pop out to the corner shop for some more essentials. I AM going back to work properly tomorrow too.
It's just so hard to live. It really is. I lived for him. Now what do I live for?
This is the crux of it - the question that I need to find the answer to. Who knows? But I WILL get there. I have to.

5 comments:

  1. Hi Boo,
    Thanks for your comments on my blog. I've only had a chance to read a little of your blog so far but I agree that we are in very similar places in this grief journey. I am having a very hard time with music these days. Everything brings me back to Austin, even the songs he didn't like. I'm trying to find some new music that isn't associated with him but then all the lyrics seem to have some connection to him. I agree that lyric meanings have changed since Austin died. This whole widow thing really is a reality that is incomprehensible to someone who isn't living it.

    Congratuations on making it to your friend's wedding celebration! I've only done one big social event so far and after two hours I had to leave and cried all the way to the car. Not going to do that for a while!

    My sons and I are going to do a little father's day "thing" now so I must get off the computer but I'm glad to have found your blog and I look forward to getting to know you.

    Debbie

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  2. thanks Debbie, I hope that it goes as well as it possibly can. I have found one band that I can listen to because I don't associate them with Cliff (Kings of Leon) but that said, most of the songs, as you say, DO relate to him!!! But they are less painful to listen to than "our music". Wishing you strength and keep in touch, Boo x

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  3. Music is always so difficult, isn't it?

    R worked away a lot, and he had a whole pile of CDs in his bag that he had bought while he was away and that had never made it onto the CD rack at home. Most of them were by bands that I either didn't know or hadn't listened to for a while. That is are practically the only music that I listen to even now. Although it has no special memories associated with it, it is still loosely linked to him, which is OK.

    This whole grieving business is really wierd sometimes!

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  4. I have been thinking of music alot lately too, and it seems everyday (like this morning) an 80's song comes on the radio that reminds me of him. Its normal yet strange to feel all the emotions in the book at once over a triggered memory.

    I often think of how his parents are doing as well. Hopefully with time you and cliff's daughter can open up to each other. You are right in that you are both hurting too much right now, which makes you more vulnerable too. If it makes you feel better, send the video.
    xo

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