Some songs really speak to me right now. Joe Cocker was a great favourite of Cliff's and I'm smiling now as I remember going to see him live in Rotterdam with Cliff, Vern, Es and Len.
Standing Knee Deep in a River
Have a Little Faith
I Will Live for You
The Great Divide (I played this at Cliff's funeral)
I wish I could listen to them but I just can't. NOT YET.
Now it's making me cry that I can't listen to them, and now my deaf dog is making me laugh because he is sitting very still, looking at his reflection in a mirror.
How on earth can you smile, then cry and laugh at the same time? Yet I do.
At least I'm not just crying.
And I am wondering how Cliff's daughter is feeling today. Even though we have both hurt each other with horrible words. I think perhaps we are both hurting too much to be able to cope with each other. I can only deal with my own pain right now and I simply cannot tolerate being attacked by anyone no matter how they are feeling. I know that "two wrongs don't make a right" and that I emulated the same behaviour by biting back, and it's too late now. But it's a simple case of self-preservation ... I feel like a wounded animal who has hidden to suffer quietly and attempt to recuperate. But today is her first Father's Day without Cliff. I remembered last night that I have a camcording somewhere of her with Cliff when she was around 12 or 13. When I come across it, I'll have it copied onto DVD - if that's possible - and send it to her, whether she hates me or not. I think he'd like her to have it. Maybe she'll be able to see the love in his eyes when he looks at her on the recording.
And another thing, I wish I had been strong enough to go down to the coast today to see Cliff's Dad. There again, perhaps seeing me would have been too painful for him on this first Father's Day without Cliff.
I am doing better than I was last Sunday. I may be stuck here living life through the internet today, but I AM going to mop the kitchen floor shortly, do some washing and pop out to the corner shop for some more essentials. I AM going back to work properly tomorrow too.
It's just so hard to live. It really is. I lived for him. Now what do I live for?
This is the crux of it - the question that I need to find the answer to. Who knows? But I WILL get there. I have to.