Thursday, June 18, 2009

Making a cup of tea

As I'm working from home this week, I just went into my kitchen to make a cup of tea, and found this in the cupboard. The memory of sitting on a paddle-steamer on the Mississippi with Cliff was so palpable, I suddenly found I was holding my breath, lest I made the vivid memory disappear.
Cliff was the single BEST cocktail-maker in the world, and I wrote down a few of his recipes over the years. They are the product of some very happy times and I thought it might be a nice positive thing to do. To share them on here. When I come across the book, I will upload them so others can enjoy some of the extremely yummy drinks that he concocted. I know he'd approve.
Damn, we were good hosts. Friends loved coming to our home to socialize. I wonder if I will ever be able to act as hostess in the future with such a big gaping hole in my home. He wasn't just big in a physical sense, he had a big presence in my life, in many lives. Presently, I can't even bring myself to go into our second lounge (which is like a bar/music room) let alone turn on our CD player and listen to it. One day. NOT YET.
I still can't move his jacket off the bar-stool in the kitchen, and still his empty mug and dish sit next to his side of the bed. The Santa's are still up in the toilet, the kitchen and both lounges.
Then I look at his swimming certificate on the fridge door. It is dated 1966 and was issued by his school to state that he had passed the test for swimming 20 yards and 50 yards. He was awarded this when he was 10 years old, at a difficult time in his life when he was being badly bullied at school. And I think to myself, he did it. He overcame the odds, so you can and you must. Even if you can't actually do stuff yet, at least think positively and plan things.
So I do. I am going to learn about gardening as our garden is 160' x 40' and I think it's a good way of letting my grief out. To create stuff and tend it.
Additionally I am going to re-start my saxophone lessons. Cliff bought me a beautiful sax three years ago and I should learn to play it and enjoy it. After all that's why he bought it for me.


  1. Boo, it is still so early for you. Don't worry about what you have or haven't done yet or what people say you should or shouldn't be doing. It is still all about getting through the days.
    But you sound so much more positive today. It's wonderful that you can see that there is a future to plan for through the tears of the moment.
    Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
    J xx

  2. PS I love the story about Cliff's swimming certificate.

  3. thanks for your lovely comment. You're right, I try to run before I can walk and then feel like I'm failing ... I need to just "be" right now and take one day at a time xx