Saturday, June 27, 2009

Loss and Ageing

Hmmm, my third post today ... well it's preferable to clearing out the van (and I promise I WILL tackle that tomorrow or even later on this evening).

It just occurred to me. I have changed physically. I've lost weight (OK, I admit I needed to), I have more grey hair, my immune system is shot to hell, tension now takes permanent residence within my body, the tears I cry are fatter than they were before (their mass or volume is literally bigger than before Cliff died) and I have aged ... noticeably to me for sure, perhaps to others as well.

I don't mind. I mean, he died. It's worse for him. In truth, I'm amazed that my hair didn't turn completely grey overnight. Around a month after Cliff died, I was faintly puzzled when I noticed LOADS of my hair floating in my bath water ... it came out voraciously ... it has thinned ... and hasn't recovered.

But what I do mind is that we didn't want and I didn't expect this to happen (obviously) ... he didn't want to leave and I certainly didn't want him to go. EVER. In fact we had a deal ... either I went first, or we went together (ideally at the END of a holiday abroad if it happened to be on a plane crash). We used to joke about it.

But it's not funny now.

I love this photo. It's fairly recent and when I look at it, it's almost like looking at me in a previous lifetime ... I look loved, safe, carefree and most of all, happy and content. I was. He really was the most amazing husband.


  1. Stress has a weird effect on the body as we are both finding out.

    When I got sick at Christmas, which led to the hysterectomy, my doc said that the "gunk" that was in there had been there for awhile and just needed a catalyst to get yucky. Hello stress!

    I have to say that I feel better, most days, now that it is all outta there, but just the fact that I lost David and then got sick myself, made for a very loooong year. It is no wonder that sometimes I still feel very overwhelmed. I'm not only grieving for David but sometimes I think I am grieving for myself.

    Take care and be nice to yourself. Now more than ever--we deserve it! :D

    ((HUGS)) Lynette

  2. By the way--thanks for posting the picture of Cliff. He looks like a great guy! :D

  3. hey Lynette, I loved David's Henry VIII pic too - it never fails to make me smile :-)

    Hugs x

  4. I think that nothing prepares you for just how physical grief is. I used to look in the mirror and wonder who was that old woman looking back at me. I could do nothing all day but sit on the sofa and cry, and then go to bed exhausted at the end of it. I've also lost count of the number of women that I've wanted to thump as they wistfully told me how I had lost weight. The bereavement diet plan is very effective, but I'll take fat and happy any day!

    (PS: Lovely photographs - both of them).

  5. Ditto you on all of that! My hair has been falling out, and I'm getting more grey hairs every day. Matt and I had similar conversations about death, and we concluded that I would have to go before him because I couldn't handle it if he went before me...

  6. J - a colleague was saying to my friend and I that we were both looking "great" (i.e. lost weight) and she replied to him saying, "Yes, it's called the Misery Diet." (her boyfriend had left her for another woman) and marched off ... he was VERY embarrassed and we were both secretly smirking ;-)

    A - yet we are both still here ... and I wonder how they would have truly coped if it had been the other way around. When I took some personal items to put in Cliff's coffin, I asked his sister what she thought he would have put in with me ... and she thought for a while, then replied, "himself".