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Monday, June 1, 2009

Gold Card

I’ve severed another tie to my previous life. Before Cliff died.

I’ve paid off and cancelled my Gold Card. If he was still alive the shock would probably kill him ;-) Seriously, he’d be impressed and doubtlessly relieved … but I have to admit that it hurt … not because I cancelled it … but because he will never again confiscate it (when I started to destroy the statements before he caught sight of them.) He said to me one day, “Do you seriously think I’m not aware of the amount you have run up on that card?”

Once, he even took the card off me, putting it out of my reach in the soon to be renovated kitchen brickwork, which came with complimentary cobwebs, thus being assured that there was NO way I would attempt to retrieve it.

Did he seriously think that I hadn’t memorized my card number, expiry date and security number? He probably did. He knew me better than I know myself. Which meant that he knew that I wouldn’t go that far.

I did however, out of sheer rebellion, purloin his barbecue tongs and attempt to retrieve it, but soon aborted the mission, JUST IN CASE A MO-FO SPIDER RAN ALONG THEM AND ONTO MY ARM.

My new life CAN be a rich full one. That said, I know beyond doubt, that I will NEVER love another man … I don’t want to. No one could possibly measure up to him.

I have good friends who lead happy lives - and I know that he would want me to too – and they are UNATTACHED. I also know that I will NEVER stop loving him and NEVER stop wanting him.

It’s just that this horrendous painful feeling of being broken into a million fragments, and the equally painful process of trying to put myself back together, on so many levels, physically, emotionally, spiritually, rationally … is so so tough.

All I currently hope for is that these pangs will eventually visit me less often. Presently they occur approximately every twenty minutes or more. Perhaps, after a couple of years, they will only occur once a day? I have NO idea what to expect really. There is no yardstick for this.

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