The other day I asked myself, "What do I have to live for now?"
I think I have the answer.
I still have to live for him.
Last night I got to my car (to go home) and spontaneously decided to drive down to the coast to see Cliff's Dad. I didn't really have the energy on Sunday. It is maddening ... just how tiring grieving is. Having already been to the wedding "do", I just didn't have the necessary oompf in me to do it. Besides I wondered if my visit on Fathers' Day would bring his Dad more pain than pleasure this year. But yesterday was his birthday, so I rocked up on his doorstep unannounced and was greeted with hugs and love. It was lovely to sit and chat with Dad and Jenny, and I find that the dynamics of the relationship that I have with his Dad have now changed. He's still my father in law, but I see him more of an equal (as opposed to me being simply a daughter-in-law) ... he has now become my friend, he understands how I feel. I can say what I like to him and he gives gentle advice. Jenny is no longer my siamese twin as she was in those first two months, but she is my sounding board and cherished confidante. It is amazing to me, constantly, how they also grieve but still put me first.
Afterwards, I popped round to see Vicki - one of my oldest most trusted friends. She has been a pillar of strength to me. She is close enough to me to say, "Woah. Slow down. Let's talk that through." or diplomatically, "have you thought about it this way ..." whilst never imposing her thoughts. Last night was the first time since Cliff left, that the conversation seemed more normal. By that I mean it was balanced. We talked about her stuff too. Of course we talked about Cliff and stuff that I am going through, but it felt so good to start to get a balance there.
I have no idea what I would have done without those three people during that first month. Yes I do. I'd have "coped" but eventually I'd have got very ill.