Monday, June 29, 2009

Big fat tears

I'm working from home AGAIN and beginning to worry that work is going to run out of patience with me. Worrying on top of everything else seems to go with this territory. But it makes it so much harder. I never had to worry about anything when Cliff was here. Then again, I now feel guilty about that ... but that's another subject.

The reason I'm working from home today is bizarre. I am NOT crying yet for the past 6 hours, my eyes have been producing big fat tears that have been relentless ... it's almost as though I have two waterfalls on my face. Even though the tears are coming, I feel alright, fairly strong today in fact ... but it's as though my body has other ideas and has decided that it needs to release them.

One of my team rang me earlier and I know that he was oblivious to the fact that I wasn't physically in the office, nor that I had an extremely wet face. It's hard to look professional and as though you've got your shit together in person though when this is happening. Yet I managed to navigate him through a complicated process on our internal intranet. On the plus side, at least I'm capable of sounding professional.

I'm having to sit back whilst typing otherwise the tears form a puddle on my laptop causing me to panic, in case I literally blow a fuse (and my laptop up) in the process.

I've never known anything like this before. It's strange to feel like you have no control over your body. Think I'll have a shower in a while to see if that helps, because my eyes, and the skin around my eyes, are sore.


  1. I don't really know what help I can offer.

    When I have bad times, I go for a walk on the stud we created together or if it is chucking it with rain or there isn't time, I just talk to one of her photos from happier times. I still have lots about and anybody intruding would think I'm completely bonkers. Another thing I do is re-read the funny bits in the book I wrote about our travels together! I also criticise and rewrite them!

    Just stick at it. The fact that you sounded professional with your colleague was great. You did more than that, you WERE professional. You solved the problem, didn't you!

    By the way, I've started using one of these remote assistance programs to deal with clients. They are great and you can look as unkempt as you want without anyone knowing. I recently did a presentation to a well-known PLC and it was so hot in my office, I was just about decent!

  2. That is very odd. The big fat tears I am very familiar with, but never when I'm not actually crying.
    Is it just when you are sitting down concentrating or does it happen while you are moving around too?

  3. LOL, your closing comment really made me smile :-)

    It's strange because I don't feel upset today. Quite the opposite. I'm having a strong day ... but my body is just pushing the tears out as if it knows that I need to, even though I am operating "normally" (which is a relative term these days).

    I like what you said about your writings on your travels together ... I have a whole filing cabinet drawer full of "memories" on our travels and thought it would be nice to make some scrapbooks up to complement the existing holiday photo albums.

  4. J - it's just constant, but thinking about it, I have been sitting still on my laptop all day. Maybe I should try doing some stuff around the house, but I'd feel bad because I'm trusted to work at home, therefore have my mobile and laptop surgically attached to me till at least 16h30 ...

  5. Has it stopped?
    I've been pondering this all afternoon and haven't come to any sort of conclusion.

  6. Awww, honey. ((((BIG HUGS)))))
    I remember hearing somewhere a long time ago that there's a certain chemical that needs to be released through tears every once in a while, and it sounds like your body just needed to release that chemical... True or not, I don't know, but I'm going with it.

  7. Oh, Boo - - I had the sore eyes, too. This morning I just buried my nose in Stephen's clothes that I kept. I can't let my cats in the closet because they go crazy at the smell of Stephen's clothes and it breaks my heart all over again. I wish that I could say something to make you feel better. You have been such a blessing for me. Just try to hang in there. I'll be thinking about you and giving you far-away hugs.


  8. Thinking about you. Hope you are just taking a break from blogging.
    J xxx

  9. I'm back :-) Had a tough week and laptop crashed, but alive and kicking ;-)

  10. oh and I think perhaps I was crying, just without the sniffing, snotty, puffy eyes, heaving, sighing, incessant repetition of my mantra, "proper booing" ... and it was just tears,but OMG did I cry for a long time ... I guess I needed it.