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Friday, May 1, 2009

The next major hurdle



May the 4th is my 45th birthday.

I am DREADING it.

After my father died Cliff held me for 5, maybe 6 hours, while I sobbed and sobbed, "I don't want this birthday". I cannot believe he is not going to be able to hold me through this one. I want him, I need him, I love him and I so do NOT want this birthday.

My big sister has the pleasure of my company on the day. Hopefully we can just get shitfaced and May the 5th will arrive quickly.

I keep thinking about the birthday I had two years ago, when he planted shrubs in the garden for me and I moaned because he didn't spend time with me.

And my 40th birthday that we spent cruising the Caribbean, disembarking on my birthday to visit the resort in Jamaica where we got married in 2001. http://www.couples.com/
And he spoiled me with sapphires, rubies and diamonds.

God, I LOVED being spoiled by him.

Just being with him was the best thing though. Better than any diamond.

I'd like to dedicate this poem to Cliff on my birthday. Thanks to Kendra for sharing it with me. She's right - it speaks to me.


Evocation

A name shattered to pieces
A name shattered in the void
A name that never replies
A name that I'll die calling

The one word left in the soul
To the last I couldn't pronounce
My Beloved
My Beloved

The red sun hovers over the hill
And the deer moan woefully
I'm calling your name
On a lonely hill

I call your name in great sorrow
I call your name in deep sorrow
My voice reaches towards the sky
But the sky is too far from the earth

Turn me into stone
I'll call your name till I die
My beloved
My beloved

by a Korean Poet, Sol-Wol Kim (1902-1934)

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