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Monday, April 13, 2009

Temporary and Partial Absolution


Jenny tells me that:

You were the way you were. It’s the way you were. You were both happy with it that way. Cliff was happy to be the way he was, the way he treated you. Look, if Cliff had wanted to give up smoking, he would have done. He did once before, YEARS ago. OK? And if he’d not been happy to treat you or look after you the way he did, he wouldn’t have. He’d have soon moaned about it. There’s no point thinking about it. It’s not your fault and you can’t blame yourself. He was happy with you. We were happy that he was with you. Mum even said that she wasn’t worried about him anymore. She stopped worrying that he’d end up dead in some alleyway after he met you.

His Dad tells me the best thing that Cliff ever did was:

moving away with you.

My friend Kathy phones me and I tell her some of my fears – my DEMON.

She tells me:

I’m sure he didn’t know that he was going to die. None of us ever do. But on a sub-conscious level, if we are in touch with our body, like the way he was, and because you were so close as a couple, I do believe we are aware BUT ONLY SUBCONSCIOUSLY, like on a different level. And this is therefore why you get intuitive thoughts and feelings and you feel that you were fore-warned. But it only becomes clear with HINDSIGHT, which again PROVES that he didn’t actually KNOW, but subconsciously our bodies know what’s going on and sometimes they send us signals.


But I still can’t expel the demon. He keeps coming back to visit me.

Unless I am angry. Or in that deep dark place.

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