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Monday, April 13, 2009

The Second Attempt



March 18th 2009

I struggle but push myself out of the house and into the car. Back on track. Back to a sense of normalcy. I GOT BACK ON THE HORSE FOR FEAR THAT I MIGHT NOT OTHERWISE.

Everyone is pleased to see me back and I tell them that I have had to admit that perhaps I had returned to work too soon, but that I’m glad I did because it has made it easier foe me to return to work today.

I feel stronger. I know that this time I am back for good even if I still can’t work as quickly as I did before. YET. Even if I am on a four day week. FOR NOW.

My copy of Companion Through the Darkness has been delivered by Amazon. I put it in my bag so that I can start reading it that evening.

I post Jayde some photos and keepsakes and hope that she also wants to smooth over the harsh words that we have said.

Someone asks me if I am eating because I have lost even more weight, and I ask her if milk is food.

I go back to my routine of eating my main meal at lunchtime, and even eat some porridge for breakfast.

People start to call me skinny ribs.

I acknowledge the hurt. I confide in a colleague that I have been to hell and back, but that I now understand that there is no quick-fix, that I HAVE to go through this. I share that I have promised Cliff that although I will allow myself a 24 hour session of wallowing and luxuriating in the pit of despair when there is no option, that I have also promised him that there will be no more 5 day sessions.

I understand that reality had to take its own effect, like the aftermath of a hurricane, but that I also need normalcy, people around me, and on the reverse of the coin, I equally need solitude to allow me to mourn and let it out. I comprehend. I need to embrace the emotions when they come crashing down on me. Welcome the tears. It’s the only way forward. There is no avoiding. There is only delay.

Kimberly tells me how proud of me she is.

I am exhausted when I return home but I know that I have overcome another hurdle. I know that eventually I will overcome bigger hurdles but NOT YET.

When I see my front door tonight, I don’t see it as a symbol of pain. It is now my refuge, my sanctuary. It is a relief. It welcomes me again. I can go in and let go. I can cry, mourn, scream and rant.

Perhaps I can do this. Perhaps. I will try my best, darling. I promise.

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