Thursday, April 23, 2009

More inappropriate jokes

Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!""I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there."The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is.""Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!""Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow."

One Sunday, a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.After the offering plates were passed, the pastor noticed that someone had contributed a $100 bill. Extremely grateful, he wanted to personally thank the generous person before the whole congregation.A quiet, elderly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.Her eyes brightened as she pointed to the three handsomest men in the congregation: "I'll take him and him and him."

One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says that she is there to give her three wishes. ''I wish I was 21 and beautiful!'' The wish is instantly granted.''I wish I had a million dollars!'' The wish is granted.''I wish that my cat here were the most handsome guy in the world and was madly in love with me.'' The wish is granted. The now young lady and her man go inside. They start to cuddle, and the man looks at her. ''Aren't you upset that you had me fixed?''

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow!" And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

"Do you ever get horny?" said one widow to the other. "Sure." "What do you do about it?" "I suck on a lifesaver." "Oh. That works?" "Yep." "What beach do you go to?"

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