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Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A deep dark place

I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be with you. Please come and get me Cliff. Please. Please.

I try whispering it, saying it, screaming it, crying it.

I try, over and over again, pleading and begging him, for five or perhaps it was six days.

But he doesn't come.

I cannot speak to anyone else or see them, because I am channelling all my energy into getting him to hear me or to understand how serious I am about this.

I don't eat. I don't wash or change my clothes. I don't brush my hair. Or clean my teeth.

The only reason I do move is to feed the dogs, let them in and out, fetch more coke or pee.

But still he doesn't come for me.

I understand that he cannot come back. It's not his choice and it's not fair, but it's final.

Therefore the only solution is for him to come and take me so I can be with him.

Please Cliff, I'm not scared to die, I just want to be with you. PLEASE.

I can't understand why I am still breathing when he is not. WHY won't he COME? I KNOW that he will because he has never left me alone or let me down, not once.

The phone rings, the doorbell rings, but I cannot and will not stand up for anyone else. I am waiting for him to come and get me.

I speak to him. I tell him that I would still trade in EVERYTHING, just like I have been saying for the past weeks. My dogs, my home, my life, my job, my soul, everything I own, just to be with him. I would live in a mud hut in deepest darkest Africa, even if it had spiders in its thatched roof, IF I could be with him again. But I know he can't come back now.

So, please come and get me. We weren't meant to be apart. I want you. I love you. I need you. I CAN'T DO THIS. IT HURTS. RIGHT HERE IN MY HEART.

But still he doesn't come.

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